THE BALLAD OF BIG MOSS

Musicians, writers and actors have contributed stories to the site for over 8 years now resulting in world wide views totalling over 430,000. A big thank you to all the readers – much appreciated.

The site also has local and social history posts. A contributor who goes under the pseudonym Tinwhistler sends in his recollections of characters in South Shields. The likes of Big Hec, Billy Meths and Wavis O’Shave have already featured and the number of views prove there is a thirst for these stories.

In his latest post he talks about how a myth can be cultivated to the point of belief.

‘Our heroes are due to legend created from what is said or written about them, however, they can become exaggerated when tales are passed down. The negative aspects are usually omitted so you might be left with a ‘Robin Hood’ tale bearing little resemblance to reality’.

‘Controversial characters become larger than life courtesy of Chinese whispers elevating the likes of small time hoodlum to status of master criminal.’

‘We have heard of individuals such as this with their names and gang titles posted via graffiti. Never in a position to place a face to any of the names sprayed out there, I often wondered if these characters did exist?’

‘What if they were simply the imaginings of a furtive mind creating a band of disciples who followed a not so large Mr. Big? Back in the 1980s in South Shields there was indeed a case of this.’

‘This originated in the realm of dreams that belonged to Wavis O’Shave and the title bestowed was ‘The Hard’ showcased by Tyne Tees television on their nationally networked UK live music show The Tube.’

‘The Hard was tough, a shaven headed individual with a pumped up upper torso (a little padding), wearing Dr Marten boots on hands as well as feet.’

‘The Hard was filmed completing stunts such as spreading out one of his hands on a brick wall and banging several digits with a claw hammer, his mantra was an unforgettable “Felt Nowt!”

‘So where and how did the Hard originate? The North East of England has had more than its fair share of this type over the years, some individuals, some gangs usually involved in some kind of turf war.’

‘Spotting them wouldn’t be too difficult, in fact take three or four and morph their assorted traits, qualities and characteristics and hey presto!’

‘Going back to the 1970s O’Shave was solely involved and directly responsible for the Hard’s precursor. Back in those days we would read the writings on the walls to see if we might discern who these characters were, what they might be about and wonder if they actually existed at all.’

‘And so it came to pass. Wavis cunningly wove a mental tapestry involving the adventures and exploits of one of these types, creating a legend that would expand over a period of time. A title was bestowed on the non-existent extra hard tyrant and it was ‘Big Moss’.

‘The somewhat susceptible youths who we spotted in our neighbourhoods were fair game to test out the believability of his creation. Several of us in the know would be dispatched to where they would assemble – street football, outside the chip shop or leaving a youth club.’

‘The message was that Big Moss had been seen in the area and he was big trouble, keep out of the way and avoid at all costs. We answered questions as best we could but there were inevitable distortions as a precise script had not been devised.’

‘If asked as to his South Shields origins one reply might be the notorious old Deans Estate, another might be Horsley Hill or possibly one of the town’s outlying estates such as Biddick Hall or Whiteleas.’

‘The general description given was – bigger than you can imagine, a mop of ginger red hair, Dr Marten boots, 60s style evaprest trousers that were worn too short for his long legs which left exposed ginger shin fur. An additional warning was issued, “whatever you do, do not laugh!”

‘The Big Moss wardrobe was somewhat random from charity shops and jumble sales married up with home made turtle neck knitwear topped off with a blazer or suit jacket as the pockets were useful for carrying tapes of preferred music.’

‘If you were stopped by Big Moss and asked what music you liked and your answer wasn’t what he happened to like then it was likely a case of seeing stars. If he motioned to place his cassette recorder (the size of a small suitcase) on the ground, then it was best to run as it meant he was going to fight you.’

‘As previously described, Big Moss wore a jacket with pockets where he kept tapes by Black Sabbath and Budgie who were a Welsh hard rocking trio.‘

‘He also carried cigarettes –  unfiltered Capstan Full strength, a Ronson Varaflame lighter and in his inside pocket held close to his heart more tapes. These were of American band The Carpenters. It was strongly rumoured that Big Moss was secretly in love with Karen Carpenter.’

‘There were some agnostics who would only believe in him if they actually saw him and this was when the sightings were confirmed – up close and threateningly personal.’

‘The role of Big Moss was played by a Wavis acquaintance known as ‘HAT.’ Hat fitted the bill perfectly as Wavis had fashioned his mental prototype largely on his colleague, just a few tweaks were needed here and there.’

‘His hair was a natural ginger combed forward creating a fringe curling up at his forehead. His hairstyle was commented on by a local barber who asked “who the hell cuts his hair cos it looks like he’s wearing a cap or a hat”.

‘Hat’s wardrobe was what Big Moss’s apparel was based on and the crowning glory was an auburn curly wig was taken from the wardrobe of somebody’s mother (possibly mine) and though worn reluctantly it achieved the desired image.’

‘So, Hat played the role of Big Moss, the personification of mixed up violence/ hardness married to dodgy dressing. He was let loose during December 1977 until February 1978 and new believers arrived after a successful campaign.’

‘They were accosted several times, stared at, made to listen to his music via the cassette. One track enforced upon the poor unfortunates was self penned by Big Moss, rap in nature maybe pre dating what came out of the States. In fact, he may have been the first possessor of a ghetto blaster, who knows.’

‘His self penned ditty was played repeatedly to these new believers frightened to look at their companions as it may lead to triggering an unwanted reaction. Expressionless faces secured their safety. They were now believers, converts and fearful of the spectre that had descended upon their once safe neighbourhood.’

‘Wavis fielded their questions as best he could. One question was “is he called Big Moss because of his size?” Wavis replied that this was partially correct, it was also because there was another of that family, Little Moss. The new believers were told that if they thought Big Moss was hard then never ever get in the way of Little Moss.’

‘Twice as bad but only half the size. The new believers were told of the exploits of Little Moss such as how he had toppled opponents twice his size, taking them on frequently in pairs and sometimes their fathers as well.’

‘Little Moss was the absolute rock, the hardest individual in these parts. But this was wrong. Wavis informed them of another even more ferocious member of that clan. This individual was said to fight opponents in threes with their Staffordshire Bull Terriers as well. This was none other than Medium Moss. A new legend was born.’

Words: Tinwhistler

Edit: Alikivi   May 2025

Link to previous post by Tinwhistler >>>

BILLY’S STORY -The artist formerly known as Meths. | ALIKIVI : NORTH EAST UK CULTURE

TOON CURSE? with paranormal investigator, author & broadcaster Dan Green

On the last day of a successful season for the Toon and qualification for more European football next season, paranormal investigator and lifelong Newcastle United fan Dan Green, got in touch with his take on Newcastle finally lifting a trophy and perhaps a curse?

‘Born in 1956 I became 69 years old this year. I noticed this rang a bell somewhere. Oh yes, Newcastle United last won a trophy – the Fairs Cup, defeating a Hungarian team without knowing they’d be left hungry for another trophy for 69 years – 56 years ago’.

‘Was this an omen sent me direct from the footy Gods? Were Newcastle actually going to win a trophy in 2025? And heaven knows they did. One of the top clubs in British soccer with the most loyal fans asking why had it taken so embarrassingly long? Were the whispers that the club had been cursed, actually true?’

‘It’s folklore that 1920’s club legend Hughie Gallagher who had fell out with the club said ‘Newcastle United, you’re doomed’ – allegedly his bad vibe last words before committing suicide. Ruud Gullit, coach of the club during seasons 1998/9 experienced his own difficulties in a short space of time declared ‘There must be some sort of curse on this club’. Even down to earth Kevin Keegan spoke of a ‘jinx’. In our modern day scientific world of technology, can curses be real?’

‘St James Park was built on the former site of Gallows Gate, part of the Town Moor. Hence the title of the famous Gallowgate end. It’s said that in 1650 alleged ‘witches’ – likely just innocent women – were hung there in one of the largest mass executions ever held in the country by lunatic ‘witch hunters’. Nearby St James Park is now clearly visible in the distance from the spot.’

‘Apparently modern day witches along with priests had taken the proposition serious enough to try and lift the curse. Obviously, it hadn’t worked. Local newspaper the Evening Chronicle even tried to end a 29 game losing streak of  matches in London. In a game at Arsenal renowned psychic Uri Geller was called in for the occasion. When the Magpies won Gunners coach Arsene Wenger said ‘There must be a sorcerer at work’.

‘Found in many religious faiths and ritualistic practices do emotional curses work? Many believe they do, so let us assume then that a curse was placed on the ground, the consequent stadium and therefore team.‘

‘In 2023 Newcastle made the Carabou cup final at Wembley and an estimated 50,000 fans invaded London, assembling at Trafalgar Square. The team lost the game. In 2025, making Wembley again, it wasn’t possible to recreate this wild scene as preparations for St Patrick meant that Trafalgar was going to be sealed off. Again, tens of thousands this time invaded the city, meeting up and assembling throughout the Covent Garden area. The following day, this time they won the cup’.

‘I couldn’t help the almost duplicate sounding of ‘Covent Garden’ with ‘Coven garden’, a coven being a group or gathering of witches, from Anglo-Norman ‘Convent’ and ’Cuvent’ from Old French ‘Covent’. By placing the fans at a re-arranged assembly point, was fate playing a part here in overdue fortune of the club?’

‘I looked into the history of Covent Garden, and yes, it does have something of both a religious and occult history especially with the star shaped junction of Seven Dials where seven streets converge at a Doric obelisk topped by six sundials, the column itself serving to cast the shadow of a 7th dial’.

‘Centuries ago, diviners, psychics, mystics, astrologers and the like would congregate there. The ancient fields were owned by Westminster Abbey and Convent – there’s that word again – and the neighbourhood was built on the site of an ancient settlement founded by Pagan Anglo-Saxons in the 7th century.’

‘Was the arrival of up to 50,000 positively charged Geordies somehow transforming a negative energy, a curse, tracing back to 1650? Was this spot the very area – possibly what pseudoscientists call a ley line or an ‘energy highway’ that can connect various historic structures – that needed the timely injection? Could such a ley line connect all the way back up North to Newcastle’s Town Moor?’

‘Initially, to celebrate the win, an open top bus tour was sidestepped and a celebration planned at the city’s Town Moor. However, the open top tour did go ahead leading the team to the Town Moor – to return the scene of the crime, the very place where centuries ago witches were hung and placed their curse’.

‘The Heavens appear to have played their part too. On March 14th the day before the Toon Army headed for London there was a total lunar eclipse and full moon, and on 29th the day of the Town Moor celebration – a partial solar eclipse!’

‘By lifting up a trophy it may well be that Newcastle United were also, after 375 years, finally lifting an ancient curse too’.

Words: Dan Green

Edit: Alikivi  May 2025

Link to previous Dan Green posts >>>

GLASTONBURY TOR – More than just a Hill by author, Dan Green | ALIKIVI : NORTH EAST UK CULTURE

MASTER OF PUPPETS with WAVIS O’SHAVE ON THE TUBE

Ground breaking ‘80s live music show The Tube was broadcast from Tyne Tees studios in Newcastle for Channel Four from 1982 to 1987. The last post featured Wavis O’Shave who appeared regularly on the programme.

For one of the shows some filming was scheduled at the South Marine Park, South Shields and Wavis asked his mate Phil Whale to accompany him. Phil was a miner who lived on the Whiteleas council estate, South Shields.

Wavis: ‘I took Phil with me because he was the leader of the Whiteleas Massive and as a miner pissed off being involved in the Miners Strike. Thought I’d cheer him up!’

Phil Whale: ‘If there is one thing having a mate like Wavis has taught me is to always expect the unexpected. I’ve had hilarious times in his presence and witnessed surreal bizarre events’.

‘At that time Wavis was a regular on the show with his character The Hard who in essence was a delightfully exaggerated alpha male tough guy who was on a quest to demonstrate that he was the hardest guy on the planet’.

The Hard in his Hard backyard, South Shields.

‘I remember feeling excited at the prospect of watching him undertake his TV work, yet also feeling nervous at what he may do to challenge the norms and expectations of those in attendance because that is one of the things that he’s about.

Funnily enough I do remember him having a glint in his eyes’.

‘We met a camera crew all wearing Barbour jackets and talking in middle class accents. Wavis politely explained to them that he was going to present new characters to the cameras such as Mr Ordinary Powder, Mr Starey Oot and a hand puppet scene called the Non Sweary Puppet Show’.

The Tube crew were expecting The Hard to turn up as that character was starting to make a big impression on their viewers. Even the staff in production meetings used to do impersonations of The Hard. But on the day Wavis had other ideas.

Filming Mr Ordinary Powder in the South Marine Park, South Shields.

Phil remembers ‘The director begged him to do The Hard and asked him if he would consider doing six episodes for Channel 4, but Wavey was having none of it stating that the Hard was now consigned to the past and as an artist he wanted to move on’. 

‘It was just mental watching Wavis perform these new surreal characters in a public park with Mr Ordinary Powder who was naked apart from a loin cloth, carrying a shopping basket containing a talking loaf of bread, and Mr Starey Oot just staring everyone and everything out – in a manner that the Hard would be proud of’.

‘Mind you the best part of the day had to go to the Non Sweary Puppet Show which involved Wavis hiding behind a wall then up popped glove puppets arguing and screaming at each other that included loud explicit references to sex and constant use of the F word – all in Geordie!

The crew and gathering members of the public stood in a stunned silence at what was happening.

‘Wavis maintained a rock steady face in between takes which added to the surreal nature. I remember experiencing a wide range of thoughts ranging from ‘what the feck this is brilliant’ to ‘Get in Wavis’. 

‘At the end of the day payment was discussed with the director, at first Wavis refused money but after haggling was pleased to get a brand new Scotland football strip.’

Phil wraps up his feelings about the day… ‘To cap it all off Wavis asked if I would accompany him to the Tube Studio for the editing. Was he valuing my comedic opinion or was he sticking two fingers up to the producers expectations?’

‘I suppose I will never know but it didn’t matter to me as the experience was priceless. Oh and by the way you won’t be surprised to hear that The Non Sweary Puppet Show didn’t survive the cuts which was a shame but not unexpected’.

It’s reported on good authority that while the Non-Swearies Puppet Show was unsuitable for terrestrial TV broadcast it was a huge favourite in The Tube Office.

‘The Non-Swearies…even I’ve lost the original demo VHS performance’ remembers Wavis.

Alikivi   October 2022

WAVIS O’SHAVE on ’80s LIVE MUSIC SHOW THE TUBE

Ground breaking live music TV show The Tube was broadcast from Tyne Tees studios in Newcastle upon Tyne for Channel Four from 1982 to 1987.

The show was broadcast for 90 minutes on a Friday and I was lucky enough to be in the audience for a number of shows which had a big impact on my life.

Entrance to The Tube at Tyne Tees Television studios City Road, Newcastle.

When I didn’t get tickets I’d be at home with me tea on me lap watching great performances and being introduced to different sounds and styles of music. Someone new and fresh were on every week and the show always delivered a surprise.

There was one week when a duo delivered huge power from what at first looked like an unlikely source. With only a keyboard and microphone set up on stage how loud could a synth pop duo go ?

A young skinny lad with floppy hair stood ready, at a game of football he would have been the last picked, then on walked someone who could of been a school dinner lady.

A clunky pop sound fired up, then the voice, and what a voice. Making one of her first TV appearances was Alison Moyet.

Wavis meets The Hard next to his Hard hut in his Hard backyard.

I mentioned the show liked to pull a surprise and someone who featured regularly on the show and tangled with some of the Tube’s Big Wigs was – insert your own description here/eccentric/circus performer/recording artist/surreal South Shields showman, whisper it quietly – Wavis O’Shave.

“When the Tube crew came back from filming me they would run straight off to Malcolm Gerrie (Producer) and tell him ‘You won’t believe what he did!’ Malcolm would reply ‘I would’.

Despite my controversial antics it didn’t stop Producer Gavin Taylor candidly telling my wife that I was the most decent person he had ever known!”

“Sometimes I would witness disputes in the Tube office like when Queen reckoned the show should pay them for a ten grand filming bill, and the show thought that they should be coughing up. I was there when Elvis Costello sent a life size photo of himself with a signed apology after he wrecked his dressing room the week before”.

One of the many faces of Wavis was The Hard, an exaggerated tough working class Geordie possibly the hardest man in the world. Other faces were Mr Ordinary Powder, Mr Starey Oot, Foffo Spearjig, but it was The Hard that got the show’s attention.

“During a live Christmas Eve show Muriel Gray (presenter) hit me over the head with one of those pretend bottles they use in Spaghetti westerns. I was told afterwards that she’d thought she’d killed me!”

“I told her earlier in the day to give me a right good belt and you’d better believe she did. There’s still some doubt as to whether there had been a cock up and it was a real bottle, it sounded like it, it did cut me and there was blood. The show were crapping themselves thinking ‘Insurance’. I felt nowt though”.

Letter from TV Executive Producer, Andrea Wonfor.

Wavis remembers the day he was carpeted by Executive Producer, Andrea Wonfor.

“The BIG boss of the show was Andrea Wonfor, a lovely lady and a huge Wavey fan. I remember when I was first given the freedom of The Tube studio. Andrea had me in her office where I was made to assure her that I would behave”.

“As you can see in her fond recollection I’d asked her – she was a big-wig at Granada at the time – if she would be ref for me in my proposed fight with Chris Eubank for Children In Need or something like that. I had the challenge put thru Chris’ letter box in Brighton but he never came back to me.” 

When you were in the studio did you get along with any of the musicians, celebrities or TV crew ?

“Being anti-social and elusive I stayed clear of everyone. I guess this became part of my expected ‘image’. I couldn’t help but see a few in passing like Lemmy and Jim Diamond, but in fact I think most people were quite wary of me and would prefer I kept my distance”.

“When Paula Yates (presenter) wanted my dressing room which was nearer the stage as at the time she was pregnant, she didn’t approach me directly to ask. Think she was well wary of me. Either that or she fancied me rotten”. 

“I rarely would turn up at the Friday shows despite having a VIP pass. On one such rare occasion I was invited to go over and say hello to a shy young American girl. I glanced over, and because I had this elusive but anti-social reputation I didn’t bother. Turns out it was Madonna, so I guess I can claim I blew her out”.

(Madge’s first TV performance was on The Tube broadcast from The Manchester Hacienda in 1984.)

What are your memories as The Tube finally closed up shop in 1987 ?

“The last Tube show was aired on its regular Friday slot. I was disappointed as a week before I had filmed The Hard ‘Final Felt nowt feeler’ with my missus in it but it wasn’t included. On the Sunday, when the repeat was aired, there I was edited in as a personal tribute to The Hard and his popularity on the show.

That was the very last ever Tube show not the Friday one. It’s gone missing and remains to this day the Holy Grail of lost Tube shows”.

THE HARD features on ‘Best of the Tube’ DVD.

Alikivi   October 2022

HANG ON A MINUTE – New release from musician Barry Lamb – Miniatures 2020 

Musician Barry Lamb, a former South Shields resident – he still calls it his ‘spiritual home’, featured in an earlier blog

TON OF TUNES – musician Barry Lamb talks about his latest project, Miniatures 2020. | ALIKIVI (garyalikivi.com)

In March he released his latest work Miniatures 2020 and his confidant Thomas Thumb got in touch.

“Think of Mott The Hoople and you immediately think of the Bowie written All the Young Dudes. From the moment you hear that iconic guitar intro you know you’re in for an immortal anthemic treat.

Not so instantly thought of might be the band’s keyboard player from 1973-76, Morgan Fisher.

In 1980 he came up with the unique idea of Miniatures; A sequence of 51 tiny masterpieces  and produced the 51 one minute tracks from invited guests such as The Damned, the Pretenders, XTC and contributions from the more bizarre worlds  of Ivor Cutler and The Residents. It became a cult classic. In 2000 came another, Miniatures 2 with 61 one minutes tracks.

To celebrate the 40th Anniversary of the original, Lamb has orchestrated bringing about Miniatures 2020  which was released on March 15th. In 1977 Barry co-founded the Essex based indie record label Falling A Records which also found time to distribute the very first copies of the VIZ Comic.  

A trailer for the album is now on YouTube – Miniatures 2020 Now Available which includes the link for purchasing”.

There is a further South Shields connection. Mention the words ‘cult’ and ‘bizarre’ and it won’t be long before the name of Wavis O’Shave will crop up. Wavis was invited by Morgan to contribute to the original 1980 album but instead sent him someone else performing one of his songs, so it didn’t qualify.

Natural universal karma has now sought to correct that and Wavis can be found on the new album with his palindrome song ‘Mr Owl ate my metal worm’.

Music journalist Dmitry M. Epstein, author of books about The Doors, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd and  Black Sabbath to name a few has this to say about the new album, ‘not the easiest, if surely absorbing, listening and a truly brilliant achievement – has all the chances to become one of the most interesting releases of 2021″.

Looks like another cult classic is on the way.

March 2021

NAILS – world exclusive interview with The Hard.

Following on from talking with some of the team who worked on ‘80s live music show The Tube, I contacted someone who appeared on the programme. Wavis O’Shave wasn’t available.

Mrs O’Shave telt me he was on holiday so this otha bloke stood in for him.

‘Are ye hard enuff to intaview me’. He’ll put me windas in if I daint post this he sed. I telt him to wind his neck in but he wudnt listen. Here’s the world exclusive interview with The Hard.

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Mee Thu Hard hear. Ah woz hard befour ah woz hard, mee lyk. Ah woz bourne wihth ah hundrud and sicks tatooz and bye thu tym ah woz fower ah hahd thaht mennie ah hadd tuh ware thum onn mee maytz bak.

Ah woz ah sizaireeun berth anhd thu hahd tuh saw uz oot ov mee hard muthaz syde. Ah slepht inn ah Pytt boote. Mee fatha wud putt broon ail inn mee hoht watta bottel. Mee kot woz ah kayj fytaz riynng.

Noo ah sleap onn ah watta bed wihth naylz innit. Onn mee forst borthdae ah hahd dinamight onn mee borthdae kake innsted ov kandlz.

Mee pairentz thort ah woz hard ov heering til thu foond oot mee hard granda hah filld mee lugz upp wihth Pollyfilla sows ah cuddnt heer mee dadd snoahrin coz hee wud putt kracs inn thu seeling.

Ah hahd mee forst harecutt onn ah frensh polisha.

Wen ah woz ah hard bairn ah yoused tuh plahy marblz yousing cannunballz and ah lornt tuh sphell yousing payvmeant slahbs tuh rite onn four Scrabl.

busking

Heerz mee hard granpappie givvn sum coppaz ah lyft

Ah used tuh plahy hopp skotch onn lhanddmynes befor ah stahrud jumpyn onn peepl frohm Skotlynd. Mee pairentz wud tek uz tuh thu beech and ahd gan roond nuttin everiewon. Thu naymd ah chuwing gum afta uz – Beach Nutt.

Ahd gan and dek everywon hoo wehr sittn doon, sow theer chairz gott carled dek chairz. Ahd mek sanned kaslz oot ov sement anddh wen ah dyd ah hard farrt thud bee ah sanhd storem.

Onn mee forst hollydae ah warked tuh thu noarth poal wihth mee sleevz roalled upp. Ah forst stahrtd swarin wen me dahd purriz inn anne armie tanc. Ah cudnt stohp swareyn.

Ah thinc ahv gohht turretz sindrum. say iht happund wen ah meetyouryte hirruz onn mee heed. Ah felt nowt. Ahm thaht hard ah kan fynd thu ehnd ov Sellataype eaven wen ahv noced meesell oot.

Ahd geht hoyed oot ov thu synmma four havin thu hardest sylhoett inn thear and ah gott nyked four thu forst tyme four shohplifftinn. Naybodie hahd eva scene ah sicks yor owld lyft ah shop owa itz heed befor.

grandadin acion

Hearz mee hard granpappie with hiz remedeez four indeejestshun

Wen ah gott olda ah ghot bahrrd frohm ahl thu pubs. Thu wud hirruz ower me heed wihth ah barr. Felt Nowt. Noo ah hav aboot nyntee pients befor ah gan oot tuh thu pub ahnd hava lok inn. Kidz sed ah woz reet hard. Orr aht leest thu carled uz a reethard.

Wen a woz ah hard bearyn ah ofton hahd ah saw throte sow ah stoppd slahsyn meesel wihth ah saw. Ah youst tuh plahy drafts. Ahd doon aboot nighntee pynts ov draft beehr.

Ah startudd deeing wayts. Ahd wayt four mee Jiro tuh cum four oors. Ah bort ah dumm behl tuh dee mee wayts and wen yu rhang itt yud heer nowt.

Ah starrtud tu doo traynin – ah gan four ah wark allongg thu trayn trak wen ah intasity tayn iz cumin heed onn.

granpappi

Hearz mee granpappie with too moar remedeez four ah saw throte.

Ah lyk tuh realacks having ah dyp in ah volkanoz lrva in mee shortz and ah lyk ah gud kurrie iff itz dun reet – boyled inn thu mikrowayve four fyftean oors in thu dezzat wihth mustad onn itt andh ah hot watta bottle onn mee heed.

Ah belleev inn thyng thaht gan headbutt inn the neet. Mee mam woz ah meedyum bhutt mee dahd tuk ah larj. Aktshooly shee woz ah sydkik meedyum and wud kik aniebodie woo stud allongsyd herr.

Shee wud tekkuz tuh thu spyritchooliszt choorch anhd wud bryng threw peepl fromm thu hard Beyond.

Shud gan intwo ah trans anhd ah arhm restl thu hard buggaz hoo kame thru. Thu wons sed ah woz ah hardvaak in ah prevyuss hard lyf. (See YouTube; ‘Dead Hard – The Hard’s animated adventures in Muvizu’)

granpaps

Hearz mee granpappie with too moar remedeez four ah saw throte.

Mee dahd styl givz uz thu bhelt iff ahm norty – ahn atey nyn thousand vholts shokk. Sumwear inn Switzalahnd ascd uzz iff ah wudd trie oot thear woshin mashyn four them. Summitz carled Sern attom krusha. It woz a bit smahrl inn thear burra felt nowt.

Ah wons tried mee heed at bean ah sayf kraka nuttin sayfz burra moovd onn tuh bean ah lone sharc. Ahd lone mee pett sharc oot uv me swimmyn pool. Ah trydah runnyn ah protekshun rakit oot ohn tennys playaz. Iff thu dydnt giz ah kwid ahd busst thear rakit.

hardsgran

Hearz me hard granmah havvin hor peeanna lessonz

Ahv fehl oot wihth mee peht hard dog coz heez started tarkin inn hyz sleap anhd hee sez ahm knot rely hard. Welll, yuh naar wot thay sahy – yuv gora let sleepyn dog lye.

Ahm gannyn ower tuh Eyeland noo. Summitz tuh dee wihth wontyn ah hard borda. Ahl tek mee dogg – heez ah hard borda colly.

Ann iff yuh edditt thys intavyoo ahl giv yee ah hed ah hit an punsh yuh innyuh besst frendz mustash anarl.

Nuff sed for now. He’s back in his box.

Gary Alikivi  August 2019.

NEVER MIND THE SEVENTIES – Book Planned on NE Punk Scene ’76-80

nepunk

A group of music fans got together five years ago and planned to put together a book about the North East Punk/Post-Punk scene from 1976-80.

Bands featured will include not only big names like Penetration, Angelic Upstarts, Toy Dolls, Punishment of Luxury, The Wall, The Carpettes, Red Alert and Total Chaos but also bands who were only known in the North East.

‘Since we started on the book numerous folks have been involved in one way or another, with interviews and transcribing. There are approximately 300 bands on our list, and we’ve got all of them covered to one degree or another. It’s been quite a task’ said Martin Blank.

South Shields bands covered so far include Angelic Upstarts, The Fauves, The Letters, The Rigs, Next and of course, Wavis O’Shave….’Although Wavis was never a punk by any stretch of the imagination, due to his album ‘Anna Ford’s Bum’ being on the Anti-Pop label he became known as a sort of punk-cum-loonie-cum-prankster’.

Here’s an extract from Martins interview with Wavis…..

What is your first memory ? I think they told me it was only going to be a nice ride down a slide. Seriously tho’ it was ‘Who’s just kicked me out of this low flying UFO?’

What were your main interests when you were growing-up ? At my first school, the lad who sat in front of me calling Miss Bishop ‘Miss Fish Shop’. Another lad always wetting himself and having to dry his shorts on the radiators. They smelt like fish fingers.

Everybody including the bullies liked me, so I wasn’t getting my head shoved down the bogs and the toilet flushed or thrown over the high wall into the girls school or having crap shoved up my nose on a lolly stick or having ‘**** off’ written on the back of my neck. They had high hopes for me but in what way I don’t know.

Were you ever in a band ?
Yes and no. Around 1975 I formed The Borestiffers although we were never a band in the conventional meaning of the word. Our ‘instruments’ were a suitcase, a bullworker and a kitchen sink. We performed live only once, at a church hall in South Shields. The entry fee was a slice of bread, or a stick of celery. White bread by the way. Brown was a counterfeit ticket.

Kitchen sinks aside, can you play a ‘proper’ instrument ? I can only play the fool. I can play a few chords on a guitar, but who wants to listen to a bloke wearing corduroy trousers strumming his axe? Mind you, I am a dab hand at the Theremin.
annafordsbum

Do you know if Anna got to hear ‘Anna Ford’s Bum’? Yes, Anna listened to the album and she’s confirmed that she still has it safely in a cupboard. This was related back to me years ago when she was asked by Chris Donald (Viz mag.) when they all appeared on a panel show. A lovely lady, good sport and well out of my league.

Although Wavis was (and still is) well-known in the North East, did you receive much national coverage ? I was somewhat surprised when both ‘Sounds’ and ‘NME’ wanted to claim Wavis as their own and both gave him equal coverage for quite some time. There’d be the occasional mention here and there elsewhere but I was a stickler for refusing to make myself available.

The Clive Anderson show sent one of their team to my home and hauled me down for a meeting but when I found out the show was recorded  (I thought it was live) and they were telling me things that I would have to say, I left.

thehard
The Hard became a surprising overnight sensation on The Tube. How did he come about ?
The Hard was a lampoon of the North Eastern stereotypical hard man and I had to be very careful living amidst the real deal. The hardest man in the town was actually a fan of the Hard, which I can never work out especially when everybody swore I had styled The Hard on him. I’d never be that daft, unless of course I did. I do consider myself hard and I can prove it. I once lived off ten quid a week – now that’s hard. 

What was it like appearing on Stars In Their Eyes with your impression of Steve Harley ? 
My wife tried to get me to audition for the show for years as I was both a fan and friend of Steve Harley from ‘74-‘77 and she knew I could do a good impersonation of him. I gave in one year when a bloke came on and did Benny Hill. He was atrocious and I thought, ‘Well I can’t do worse than that, pass me the phone’.
wavisstarsintheireyes

Were Wavis and The Hard really closet intellectuals merely poking fun at the absurdity of the world today ? There’s a side of me that very few people know of. One of those facets of the diamond is a very serious, and reasonably well known controversial author, broadcaster, researcher with a sizeable website and a lot of internet coverage. I doubt you’ll know him and only a very few Wavis people do. He’s a cross between a British Indie Jones and Poirot, and that’s the only clue you’ll get. I’ve/he’s been on Sky TV shows a few times, done a lot of USA radio shows and wrote for a high street national monthly mag for a few years.

The full interview with Wavis will be available in the book. The group are now planning to complete the project, but Martin told me there is still time for some bands to come forward…

‘We now have all the interviews in the can but if there are any other North East bands who were active circa 1976-80 who we don’t know about and who’d like to contribute they’re welcome to get in touch’.

Contact: gobonthetyne@hotmail.com

Gary Alikivi    August 2019.